The Great Escape

After having two surgeries and the trendy “shake & bake,” (aka HIPEC), to treat my Peritoneal Mesothelioma, I was put on some serious drugs.  I was out of my mind and delusional.  I was SO high that although I was hooked up to a gaggle of tubes, I was determined to escape from the ICU.  LOL!  I had decided that I hated my entire medical team and that I was more than ready to leave the hospital to recuperate at home.  So I asked my partner to retrieve my belongings for me & bless his heart he did.  “Where are my skinny jeans?! I don’t see them!” I cried like the lunatic I was at that moment, as I weakly rifled through my bag.  I eventually found everything I needed and then lay back in bed, satisfied that I had my outfit ready for my upcoming great escape.

Shortly thereafter, unbeknownst to me, I was restrained to my bed with some soft canvas ties.  I didn’t understand what they were, but I didn’t like them, so I tried hiding them under my sheets – even in my hot mess state I still had a sense of style and I thought the ties were hideously ugly!  Later that day I was lucky enough to get my own private nurse!  I felt like a movie star!   She sat next to me and when I asked her she told me all about her family and showed me photos on her phone.  She even braided my hair!

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I loved having my own nurse, everyone should have this luxury I decided.  What I didn’t realize was that the lovely nurse was actually my “minder,” – she was there to make sure that I didn’t try to pull out my tubes and escape.  Again, LOL.  Needless to say my plans were thwarted. After what seemed like an eternity I graduated to a room in the Step-Down unit. That at least felt like an accomplishment, though not as satisfying as had I actually escaped!

Scanxiety

Another three months, another cat scan!  I brought Mindy Kaling’s book along to keep me entertained while I drank the always gruesome “contrast shake” – if only they had vodka in them, they would be so much tastier!  I don’t mind the actual scans, it’s just the waiting that’s brutal.  They should really have a drive-thru style cat scan, where you can get your scan & report at the same time. Then you would be handed either a glass of champagne, “no visible cancer!” or a Xanax, “cancer has spread to the liver…” Genius idea, no?

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