You know that expression that God only gives you as much as he thinks you can handle? Well, I think it’s a ridiculous expression. But on the off chance that it’s true, then God must think I am one hardcore broad. Because in addition to dealing with Mesothelioma, (special thanks to Asbestos for giving me this lovely cancer), I also have a Brain Aneurysm to deal with. Fuckety Fuck Fuck.
On days when I am feeling “oh the glass is so very beautifully half full!” I feel extremely lucky that my brain aneurysm was found. Most people don’t even know they have one and then one day they’re walking to the 7-Eleven and – pouf! – they die on the spot. But my brain aneurysm was discovered while I was being treated for Peritoneal Mesothelioma. I forget exactly why they were scanning my head – that whole time in the hospital is a bit of a blur – but they basically stumbled upon it. When my Oncologist told me I was like “ok, whatever!” because I had more pressing issues at the time. But now I’m worried.
On May 18th I go back to the hospital – cue the scary music – to get my aneurysm “coiled.” Basically the surgeon packs the aneurysm with platinum coils which prevents it from bursting. Luckily they don’t have to open up my head lobotomy style – thank you Jesus! Instead they weave a small catheter from my groin all the way up to my brain. Is it just me, or does that seem like something that you would see on The X-Files? I have decided to think of the platinum in my brain as an alternative engagement ring from my partner. Instead of wearing platinum on my finger I am wearing it in my brain.
Intellectually I understand what the operation involves and I trust my amazing Neurologist. But I also have an irrational fear that I will wake up from this operation a changed woman, that I will be turned into some weird Stepford Wife. I will go from a tchotke, sparkle loving collector, to a Plain Jane Minimalist. Or worse, all the things that make me “me” – my many neuroses, my belief that I was a showtune singing Broadway star in a former life, my rule about never leaving the house without lipstick on – will vanish and I will become someone different. I realize that it’s a ridiculous fear, but there is just something about messing around with my brain that freaks me out. It feels like I am about to enter an old episode of The Twilight Zone. Stay Tuned.